Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
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me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.