Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
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Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat