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Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
this is the best interaction on twitter
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
When I sing in the shower the water turns cold
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin