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Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!