My friend is an excellent librarian.
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Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
the best thing i’ve ever made
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.