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My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.