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friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.