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Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Swedish for common sense.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is