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I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
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A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website