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“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..