You Might Also Like
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.