We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
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idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.