You Might Also Like
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
there has never been a better use of this meme
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Running from your problems is cardio .
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
How does someone manage that 🤨
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.