Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!

funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!

*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

I just slipped on a banana peel.

It didn’t fit.

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-