Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.

Well played, old man. Well played.

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.