Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”

Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.

(by @ZachWeiner )

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

do u think theres a butter planet?

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk

Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good