[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
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I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Beauty and the Beast
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
good work, detective
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.