Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.

That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.