16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
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Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.