Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

nobody:

TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

😆this is so true

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.

I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻‍♀️

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.