[1692 Salem]


“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.

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I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.


told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco


Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.


Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.


I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?


ME: Do we have Bacon Bits?
WIFE: Fridge. Why?
ME: *filling pockets* No reason

*dog park*
PERSON: Sorry. He’s normally behaved
ME: No prob


Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once


the spice girls: tell me what you want what you really really want

you, dumb: to be your lover

me, smart: a dirtbike


Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?



(boom boom clap)
(boom boom clap)
Daisy you’re a dog you’re a good dog
Playing in the park
Gonna eat some cool bugs today