[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?