Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.

Me trying to walk in a dream

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’