16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
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Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
ME: and the hell, is it fresh?
2025: oh yes, the freshest
ME: wonderful, and is that my…
2025: your handbasket, yes
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”