16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
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Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
How I like cutting carbs
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
New tinder profile pic
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time