Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

some cats are just doing for fun!

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”

(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.