@TheHyyyype

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

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@kirbys4losers

I can feel you getting distant from me; my only wish for you is that your destination is oncoming traffic.

@Inferno_V

As a mother of four, I am often asked what is the best way to child proof your home.

A: Send them outside to play and lock all the doors.

@TheBoydP

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

@ABC

Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.

@Molly_Kats

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

@LuckoftheDraw86

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

@MouthEaters

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

@EndhooS

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

@Kateness8

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

@DothTheDoth

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”