16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

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I can feel you getting distant from me; my only wish for you is that your destination is oncoming traffic.


As a mother of four, I am often asked what is the best way to child proof your home.

A: Send them outside to play and lock all the doors.


Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.


Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.


A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.


Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.


Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die


Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.


Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO


To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”