17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
