17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
