17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
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Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.