17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Thaw me like one of your french fries
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
