17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
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Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”