17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
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*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
ew if literal: let me be clear
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.