Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?

Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?