17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
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I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
😬
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord