Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

Husband: Where are you going?

Me: I have to run a quick errand.

Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?

Me: Maybe.

Husband: Let me grab my wallet.

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

I was bored.

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.