17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
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Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Friday
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.