17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
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I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh