Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

Her: what was that about?

Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off

Her: at the zoo tho?

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer

tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

me: we have developed a fear of boy bands

wife: at the same time

therapist: in sync?

together: *screams*

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

😂😂

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

Breaking news:

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.