Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.

Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…

Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

ME: I thought only old people got that

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR:

ME: Oh…

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.