Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?

ME: There is no way

PAL: Why?

ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid