17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
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ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?