Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣

I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

“I FIXED IT!”

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

Hmm 🧐

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

When I snag the last meatball.

Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

🥴😂

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

middle school in the ’90s

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed

GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!

GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.

Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

Dear Mom & Dad,

Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.

Love,
The best daughter ever