17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
You Might Also Like
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
