17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
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Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.