Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok