Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

my first day as a raccoon

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.