Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

did you know that before the crowbar was invented,

crows used to drink at home….

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:

You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

Single and childfree like Jesus

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican