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“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occurWow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine
The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
i smell a pulitzer
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
describing stardew valley
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?