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🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
This forever.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will