*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
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Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Drive like no one is watching.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.