$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
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My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Humor: the only thing I like dry.