$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
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Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Friday night party time 🥳
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”