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therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
about to have the best blueberries of my life
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
6. me as a lawyer
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
you’re so productive for your wage
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce