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Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
back to work
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
❤️
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already