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Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Perfect
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”