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“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Science is fun!
#nottrue
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit