Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

“The Perfect Relationship”

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

I mean…but I did

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

watergate? u mean a dam??

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!

*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.