Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.

No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat

Me: I…I’m not sure what to do

Tremendous stuff

Welcome to the stomach

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs