Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.

Curious…

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!

[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John: he’s right behind me isn’t he

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”

St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”

“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”

“You’re missing the point.”

“That’s the idea!”

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.

Now hold it.

Hold it…

Hold it….

Hold it…

Keep holding it…

Die.

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

follow me for more life hacks

surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!

Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…

Spider-cat: No One Home

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!