Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

😂🥴

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

breakfast, the most important beer of the day