Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

never compromise your values

I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple