Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

sry

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

there are only 2 generations:

-America’s Funniest Home Videos

-Tik Toks

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

“I really like Eminem.”

” I prefer smarties.”

“No, the rapper.”

“Why would you eat the wrapper?”

#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.