You Might Also Like
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.