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Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.