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If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
Favourite diary entry ever
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading