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try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
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If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
car not found
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Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
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INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that