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Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I’m not average. I’m mean.