“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
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A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die